Friday, October 15, 2010

"Shine on you crazy diamond"

DONE! My second tattoo is done, and I LOVE it!!!! I had written (here) about how much I wanted a second tattoo and what my different ideas were for it. Well I did it, and I went with one of my original ideas, which was to get "shine on you crazy diamond" down the side of my foot. AND it's low enough that if I'm wearing heels it won't show. SO as far as I'm concerned (even though I'm 25 and haven't lived at home in YEARS) it still complies with my Momma's request. SWEET!

I decided to go with these lyrics from the Pink Floyd song titled "Shine on you crazy diamond" to commemorate and as a reminder of the struggle I've gone through throughout my entire life to overcome my depression and anxiety stemming from abuse suffered as a young child.

I'm in love with it! It will serve as a constant reminder to a) keep shining and b) hold my head up high (more metaphorically speaking, since I've been bent over all day staring at it!) 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dreeeeeam, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream...

So there's this place. This enchanting, calming, seclusive place where so many wonderful memories exist.

The BF has been going there since he was small. There are pictures his father, his sister, himself and their (deceased) family dog, playing in the surrounding forest atop their fireplace mantle. It is where they buried Sadie, their family dog.

When he and I started (secretly - I'll explain some time) dating, it was the first place he took me. It was in the fall, and was absolutely beautiful. We've gone back at least once a year, every year, since we've been together. It's nostalgic, and yet at the same time a future dream.

You see, this forest has a dilapidated house in it's midst. Although broken down and rotting, you can see how beautiful it would have been, had it ever been finished. The house was never completed. The foundation poured, the exterior walls, and some interior done, and the stairs started. There are cabinets laying around never installed, the flooring was never done, and there are sheets of rotten dry wall laying in piles. We'd never ventured inside until this year. After 4 years of wondering what was in there, four years of dreaming and imagining, we went in and explored. We love it.

Rotting, unfinished and all, we want it. It's our dream. Whenever we go there we imagine what we would do with the property, what it would be like throwing parties (ya we love that shit) and what it would be like raising kids there. It might look run-down and dilapidated to some, but to us it's our dream.

We've tried in the past to find out who owns the property and how we could get in touch with them but to no avail. That is until we ventured into the house and found some helpful information. We've got a lead, and even though I haven't gotten my hopes up too high, it's something. It's more than we've ever had before, and I can't wait to see what happens. Or at least to hear the story, of why this (at one time beautiful) unfinished house, with a rusted old tractor, car and snow mobile outside, was left to rot, and never completed...what happened?

Friday, October 1, 2010

REPOST: Ask the Bloggess's - Suicide is not the answer

NOTE: This was posted by The Bloggess, at Ask the

I felt it was excellently executed, beautiful and definitely worth re-posting. I know I regret the minimal bullying I did as a kid, and I hope you read this and it strikes a cord with you.

"Suicide. It's not the answer.

No questions today. Just an answer.

For the fifth time in the last month I've opened my computer to read about another child committing suicide. In all these cases they were young people who were being bullied about their perceived sexual orientation.

If you are anti-gay you can keep reading. I'm not going to yell at you. There's already been too much of that. What I am going to do though is point out that if your child takes your learnings and uses them to bully another child into suicide it will haunt your child forever. They will never be able to escape the fact that their actions helped cause the death of a classmate. It's a horrible guilt to hold onto and one that no parent wants their child to go through. Most parents of bullies have no idea that their child is involved in taunting others. Talk to your children about bullying. Explain that no matter what it's important to not judge others and to stand up for them when you see someone being picked on...even if you don't always agree with everything that person does.

You may think that your child already knows this but my guess is that the parents of the children who taunted these kids into suicide thought their kids knew too and now they have to watch their children being subjected to a huge backlash of people calling for justice against them. They have only to look at the internet to feel the shame of people hating them even though they don't even know them. It's a vicious circle and one we need to stop now. If not for the sake of children victimized by bullying then for the sake of the children who will be haunted by their actions when they get older. Think back. Is there someone that you made fun of when you were a child? I did. I still feel ashamed about it and I wish I could go back and warn myself how I'd feel later when I was grown. But I can't. All I can do is teach my child to not repeat my mistakes and to be compassionate and loving. Talk to your kids. Don't just assume they know what bullying means. Ask what they're seeing in school and how it makes them feel. Get involved and have them dig a little deeper. Please.

Special note for the bullied kids reading this: It does get better. You may feel alone, but you're not. The world is changing, slowly, but for the better. It's a hard fight but one that will make you stronger if you don't let it break you. Right now it's hard to see clearly but there is a world of amazing people out there who have gone through the same thing and came out stronger and more compassionate and who will love you and respect you and cherish your contributions. I'm one of them and I can't wait to meet you. Don't let me down."

"Knocked Down, Beaten, Black and Blue"...Mentally That Is.


I'm making something happen. Or at least I'm trying to. My therapist will be really impressed when she gets back from holidays. See, I have a hard time "making things happen". I'm scared of failure, I have lack of motivation, and I'm a self destructive. So it usually takes something big for me to jump into action, and then I'm only "in action" for a split second, and if nothing happens, or come from the action of taken, I give up. I wish I was more persistent, and self confidant, but I'm working on it.

Anyhow, here's the "big" thing that happened, that pushed me into action. Well I guess it isn't just one thing, it's more like a series of medium things:

First of all, I'd like to start by saying that I understand that everyone deals with pricks in the work place, and I shouldn't let it get to me, blah blah blah. But I'm a delicate flower...or more realistically, I may treat myself like a piece of shit sometimes, but I'll be damned if someone else thinks they're going to treat me like a piece of shit...only I get that privilege dammit!!

1. I have a turtle neck top...let me reiterate TURTLE NECK, that has a small cut out across my shoulder area on the back. The cut out is below the neck, between the bra straps, and above the bra line. I was told by a co-worker that "I'm giving people the wrong impression" by wearing it. NOTE: This particular co-worker wears low cut bar tops, that show the joining of the two cups of her bra...

(Like this, only it was a turtle neck, and the hole in the back was much smaller)

2. My boss was told by a fellow manager that she thinks that I am overpaid for my job, etc. Let me remind you, that I live in my boyfriend's parents basement, and make under the poverty line. I could in no way sustain myself on my income...and that's too much money?

3. Someone at my workplace bought a stuffed pumpkin to sit in our reception area in fall. Someone unrelated to me, 2 years ago. All I do is put it out each fall as part of the seasonal decorations. I was yelled at, talked down to, and told it looks completely unprofessional and instructed to remove it, by someone who does not have the authority to make those types of requests. Especially since I have no authorization to remove it since I didn't purchase it, and it's been in our office for 2 years. A co-worker that was present during the incident told me to go to HR since the way I was "spoken" to (used loosely since this individual was yelling) was way out of line.

4. I was reprimanded for dressing inappropriately for the work place because my skirt was too short, and told that me dressing inappropriately has come up several times before. My skirt was 2 inches above the knee (and it's the shortest skirt I wear to work), and I was wearing grey stockings, so none of my actual leg was showing. I should add that no where in our dress policy does it say anything about the length of skirts, and managers and other employees regularly wear shorter skirts. Ex. While I was in the washroom crying, after feeling attacked and mistreated since I don't wear anything that is inappropriate, and I dress more appropriately than most of my colleagues, an employee came out of the stall wearing a shorter skirt than I.

(Like this, only it was a black skirt with grey stockings)

Those are only 4 recent (as in, 3 within the last week) examples of why it's time for a change. They don't seem so bad written down, but they really felt as though I was being attacked and mistreated. I'm not in high school anymore, and I'm sick of all of the juvenile bullshit. I'm a good person, and I've never done anything offensive to anyone I work with, and I don't deserve to be treated as if I'm some kind of worthless slut, because I'm young, and clothes look different on me then some of the other people I work with.

So I've applied for some other jobs within my company, and spoken with my supervisor about making my position part time so I can go back to school, (in the event that one of the positions closer to home does not pan out), so I can get the hell out of this place. Enough is enough. My anxiety is bad enough without having to wake up each morning dreading the 8 hours ahead of me.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb!

FYI - This post is about "sex life" more specifically, my sex life...(that warning is for you Mom)

I think sex is healthy. I'd say most people would agree with me. Aside from the physical benefits of having a work out, the stress relief, and other necessary reliefs, it builds confidence, it strengthens relationships, it helps keep couples close, both physically and mentally, and is the distinguishing factor between, being a "couple" and being "roommates" as far as I'm concerned.

So yes, the BF does not worry that I'll ever "have a headache" or "not feel well" or "am too tired". We're pretty much on par as far as desire goes, and it's something I'm proud of, so I can't understand this perpetuated stereotype that women only "give it up" on holidays, and birthdays.

Anyhow...all this considered, and after 4 years of no stereotypical, male gives female back rub hoping it'll lead to happened.

Two nights ago I was feeling sooo sick. I fell asleep at 7pm on the couch, and woke up at 9pm,  forced myself to get up and go lay down in bed. The BF got me a "puke bucket" and laid down behind me, rubbing my back. And then...he tried to progress that back rub...seriously! Come on! I've never had to say "no, I'm too sick", until that day. I'm kinda ticked off that he made me say it...I was proud that I'd never had to before. So, UGH! Now I'm one of those women whose "too sick" for sex. Lame!